What's it like? Is it really a real thing? Do I really have it? I have it so they say. What is it that I have? Who are they? I have bipolar I disorder, and from what they tell me ADHD, too. 🙄 They are a psychiatrist and a psychologist who both have over 20 years experience. They tell me, in their professional opinion, there's no doubt in the diagnosis.
I have doubt. I had been misdiagnosed for years and years as having major depression. I tried numerous anti-depressants and counseling, on and off, for two decades. I was so miserable I even decided to give ECT, electric convulsive therapy, what some call shock therapy, a try. It did help but was short lived, and to me, not worth the anesthesia and trauma of it all.
What do they know? Maybe I've manipulated them and myself into this disease. Sometimes I think I've faked my way into the diagnoses by reading and studying so much about the disorder I know what to say. Does that even make sense? Why would I do such a thing? Maybe I want to mask the real reason. What is the real reason? What do I need to mask? I need to mask the fact I'm just a fat lazy ass bitch. F.L.A.B. I've been called that before. If that is how others perceive me then I guess it has truth. Truth I don't want to accept? Which is it? How much does bipolar play a part in how I function on a daily basis? How much of me is just a F.L.A.B.? Do I just suck?